Is control something to be proud of, or ashamed of? Is it a weakness or a strength? What is the line where the need for control jumps into the threatening realm?
The truth is that I do not linger on things that I cannot control. It would be pointless to live my life worried about things outside of my control. It is easy to lose sight of your path when one is too focused on maintaining a level of control over actions.
The belief that I am in control of my life, my decisions, and the outcome such as consequences and rewards, is very dear to me. My desire for control is not an ill-willed action. There is no intent of harm. The responsibility for every outcome is in itself the very reason why I fight for control.
How can you control your life when you have others who depend on you, and every decision you make affects them? How can you have any degree of control when your choices are limited to the choices of others on your team?
The answer is communication. Control is not about imposing your will on others on the team, but about making a controlled educated decision as a team to control the desired outcome. A bad consequence that was a result of an educated controlled decision is preferred over a bad consequence because of neglect of full exercise of control.
Control is exercised by utilizing facts, decision-making methods, analytical methods, and overall objective points of view.
Thursday, June 21, 2018
Wednesday, November 29, 2017
Memories of Change
My memories of you are harsh. Always yelling and being upset. You were the bad guy in my story, regardless of what the issue was. My bias was due to the manipulation and programming of years and years of resentment. I didn't see, hear or feel you. I didn't care, sympathize with, or respect you. I have one memory of you hitting me. The thing with memories is that they get recorded at the time they happened, without care of retrospect. Meaning, that I remember the images and sounds, and feelings, within the context in which they happened, not of what I understand now. When I remember you, it is not you of today, therefore the memory seems invalid, as if it didn't happen like that. I cannot change how it was recorded, feelings and all.
It wasn't until the incident that changed my life, that I realized that you were always there for me, caring and helping from afar. Your kindness was overshadowed by other feelings and manipulation. We didn't bond in the beginning because I didn't know you. I never got a chance to know you, but when I opened up, we became friends because I could understand you. I saw you for who you really are.
You were young, forced into a situation where you didn't know that you wanted to be in. Forced by bullshit rules, customs, and traditions. You tried to make your life work with flawed frameworks and methods that you mimicked from your childhood. It was not your fault, but you tried to fix it. In the end, there was no fix. But all was not lost, because it gave us the opportunity to bond and become closer than ever. You left all childish feelings aside and focused on giving me the guidance and advice I needed. You grew up. You were my age when this happened. You were not there because you didn't know you had to, but you were there when I needed you. For your misguided, stupid, and childish actions, that you have paid for and learned from, I learned and learned.
I forgive you.
It wasn't until the incident that changed my life, that I realized that you were always there for me, caring and helping from afar. Your kindness was overshadowed by other feelings and manipulation. We didn't bond in the beginning because I didn't know you. I never got a chance to know you, but when I opened up, we became friends because I could understand you. I saw you for who you really are.
You were young, forced into a situation where you didn't know that you wanted to be in. Forced by bullshit rules, customs, and traditions. You tried to make your life work with flawed frameworks and methods that you mimicked from your childhood. It was not your fault, but you tried to fix it. In the end, there was no fix. But all was not lost, because it gave us the opportunity to bond and become closer than ever. You left all childish feelings aside and focused on giving me the guidance and advice I needed. You grew up. You were my age when this happened. You were not there because you didn't know you had to, but you were there when I needed you. For your misguided, stupid, and childish actions, that you have paid for and learned from, I learned and learned.
I forgive you.
Monday, November 27, 2017
The Last Pillar
In all my life, you were the biggest disappointment. You were my biggest fall. At the point where I only had one pillar left, the truth set me free, and your pillar came down fast and hard. I was free falling into the lowest point with nothing more than raw emotion and a will to survive, fed by every single negative emotion available, built a new stronger platform, and rose to new heights. Anger, fear, disgust, contempt, rage, hate, abhorrence. This shook me to the point of reconsidering everything I knew to be true questioning my life entirely. I clearly remember my gullible, naive, and innocent mind taking in the crude reality.
Knowledge is not power. Secrets are a weapon. You had the power over me. A veil of truth, lifted, revealing the true nature of your actions and life. My fragile mind went into shock, crashed, and rebooted like a computer, erasing years of data I believed to be true. For years I lived in my hatred, letting it fuel my actions and shape my life. I learned to motivate and build using one set of emotions. It was effective and efficient; the kind of experience that shapes your future, pushing through and muscling my way into what I am today.
What I learned was that any emotion can be used to drive your actions; hate is just so much more effective, but in the long run, and out of context, it becomes self-destructive. I discovered that you actually helped me rebuild my life and reshape my systems to be strong and unshakable. My foundation was taking form and I had to fill it with other emotions for me to utilize my framework to its fullest.
I now thank you, for I understand your actions and motivations. You followed your instincts regardless of who was in the way. I respect that. You broke the mold and for once, was selfish, took care of yourself and your needs. I understand that. You gave me the opportunity to create my own life and break out of my mold. I thank you for that. You were my age now when this happened. You had the courage to reshape your future before or was too late. I admire that.
Thank you for being selfish. I forgive you.
Knowledge is not power. Secrets are a weapon. You had the power over me. A veil of truth, lifted, revealing the true nature of your actions and life. My fragile mind went into shock, crashed, and rebooted like a computer, erasing years of data I believed to be true. For years I lived in my hatred, letting it fuel my actions and shape my life. I learned to motivate and build using one set of emotions. It was effective and efficient; the kind of experience that shapes your future, pushing through and muscling my way into what I am today.
What I learned was that any emotion can be used to drive your actions; hate is just so much more effective, but in the long run, and out of context, it becomes self-destructive. I discovered that you actually helped me rebuild my life and reshape my systems to be strong and unshakable. My foundation was taking form and I had to fill it with other emotions for me to utilize my framework to its fullest.
I now thank you, for I understand your actions and motivations. You followed your instincts regardless of who was in the way. I respect that. You broke the mold and for once, was selfish, took care of yourself and your needs. I understand that. You gave me the opportunity to create my own life and break out of my mold. I thank you for that. You were my age now when this happened. You had the courage to reshape your future before or was too late. I admire that.
Thank you for being selfish. I forgive you.
Tuesday, November 21, 2017
12 Areas of Balance
I expect my love relationship to be something mutual. Independent, of financials and superficial issues, such as those that social media create. I expect for the love relationship to be based on communication, and not trust; for the relationship to grow on facts, not assumptions. I believe I deserve to be met with the same or more expectations, and taken seriously when I propose and enforce those expectations. I have a very solid view of myself therefore I cannot be fooled to believe I am something I'm not. I value myself very highly, and will not devalue myself based on my relationship.
I define friendship, as the ability to pick up a conversation, even after months of separation. Friendship is something that comes along very rarely, in pure form. There are acquaintances, coworkers, and people you hang out with, but true friends are scarce. True friends will always give you the truth in the advice, and possibly hurt you, in order to help you see the bigger picture. They will stand by you even though you mess up, and will be there to pick you up and say I told you so you fucking idiot.
Adventures are life's way of escaping reality. The harsh reality is that you are leading a boring and unsatisfying life. Because we are taught at an early age to conform to the norm, leaving on an adventure without having a cause, at least in my culture, is seen as weird. I love the adventure of trying new and exciting things; once-in-a-lifetime opportunities that you may not want to do again, but will have the experience of doing them. These things may be scary and overwhelming but are worth overcoming.
I am happiest at home, with my spouse and kids. I am content with my lifestyle for the most part, but there are some aspects of my environment that I wish to change slightly, to modify my lifestyle in order to upgrade my fighting positions, per se. I do not have many friends, but I do like to surround myself with people who motivate me to do better and challenge me to make changes that I would not otherwise do on my own.
My physical health is not bad, as I have the privilege of working on this every day in my current situation. This would be something to work on during my normal environment, but I am placed in a different environment for the time being. I believe that I can be, and at a previous age, in a better physical shape. For the time I a lot, I am doing very well with my physical fitness, but I can push my body harder. I follow a loose diet but stay away from unhealthy food overall. My biggest contenders are sugars, caffeine, and nicotine. For my age, I know people are worse off, but at the same time, I am not that old, and know people who are older and in better shape than me, leaving me wanting to push further.
Intellectually, I much rather finish reading some books I started than watch Netflix or a movie. It is the psychological factor of instant gratification that I have to fight often when I want to read. Overcoming this is mainly a discipline function, and removing the opportunity for idling time. There are a total of about 12 books that I have lined up, and with each day that passes that I do not read, I feel that I am losing more and more interest; an illusion playing with me, to leave reading altogether.
I am currently working on some skills or hobbies, allotting an hour or so a day to these hobbies to hone in my skills that will come in handy later, as ME time will become more available. Some of these hobbies tie into fitness and intellectual roles. The trick on this one, is making time for each one of them.
I lack spirituality, but since the meditation periods have begun to take some effect. I do not reflect on god, religion, or any being except myself. Spirituality can mean believing in yourself and practicing bending reality through consciousness engineering. Meditation has been mentioned on and on in different books, videos, and talks with different people. It is the only lead I have so I am trying to improve on it.
In my career, it is extremely easy to become complacent, stagnant, and overconfident. It is extremely hard to move up the ladder because of the time frame it takes to have vacancies on the upper levels. I can really see myself moving up to the next level within the next 3 years, and I feel lucky to have had an opportunity to get ahead of the power curve in my career and try to buff up my resume with achievements and education that will serve me in the next level. This year will be a crucial year in order to secure my future, and I am faced with a few circumstances that can make this year one of the best in terms of evaluations, peer-to-peer, and networking.
As part of my creative roles, I have started reading and writing more this year. I had completely forgotten about this outlet, old and forgotten, where I used to pour in my thoughts when I needed to. I kept this not to remember what I felt, or wrote down in the past; not to reminisce, but to reinforce my strengths and record the successes that I've had in my life. I enjoy writing my thoughts more than I do reading them, but years from now, when I need to upgrade some of my systems for a living, this outlet will come in handy.
My family is one of the most important roles. My spouse and kids. My father and mother. My brother and sister. My grandparents are reaching the end of their life. They all have an important influence on my life. I would like to spend more time with my grandparents before they pass away. I want to learn from their experiences and have meaningful conversations before they depart this earth, and I am left without their knowledge. This could be my one regret in life.
I couldn't give a shit about my community. I do not like people in general, especially people who I do not like. But I do realize that giving to the community does not necessarily mean your neighbors. A community of people that are like you, like-minded individuals, who share interests. In the military, that would be your soldiers, brothers, and comrades. That is my community, and I do believe I can give back to this community.
I define friendship, as the ability to pick up a conversation, even after months of separation. Friendship is something that comes along very rarely, in pure form. There are acquaintances, coworkers, and people you hang out with, but true friends are scarce. True friends will always give you the truth in the advice, and possibly hurt you, in order to help you see the bigger picture. They will stand by you even though you mess up, and will be there to pick you up and say I told you so you fucking idiot.
Adventures are life's way of escaping reality. The harsh reality is that you are leading a boring and unsatisfying life. Because we are taught at an early age to conform to the norm, leaving on an adventure without having a cause, at least in my culture, is seen as weird. I love the adventure of trying new and exciting things; once-in-a-lifetime opportunities that you may not want to do again, but will have the experience of doing them. These things may be scary and overwhelming but are worth overcoming.
I am happiest at home, with my spouse and kids. I am content with my lifestyle for the most part, but there are some aspects of my environment that I wish to change slightly, to modify my lifestyle in order to upgrade my fighting positions, per se. I do not have many friends, but I do like to surround myself with people who motivate me to do better and challenge me to make changes that I would not otherwise do on my own.
My physical health is not bad, as I have the privilege of working on this every day in my current situation. This would be something to work on during my normal environment, but I am placed in a different environment for the time being. I believe that I can be, and at a previous age, in a better physical shape. For the time I a lot, I am doing very well with my physical fitness, but I can push my body harder. I follow a loose diet but stay away from unhealthy food overall. My biggest contenders are sugars, caffeine, and nicotine. For my age, I know people are worse off, but at the same time, I am not that old, and know people who are older and in better shape than me, leaving me wanting to push further.
Intellectually, I much rather finish reading some books I started than watch Netflix or a movie. It is the psychological factor of instant gratification that I have to fight often when I want to read. Overcoming this is mainly a discipline function, and removing the opportunity for idling time. There are a total of about 12 books that I have lined up, and with each day that passes that I do not read, I feel that I am losing more and more interest; an illusion playing with me, to leave reading altogether.
I am currently working on some skills or hobbies, allotting an hour or so a day to these hobbies to hone in my skills that will come in handy later, as ME time will become more available. Some of these hobbies tie into fitness and intellectual roles. The trick on this one, is making time for each one of them.
I lack spirituality, but since the meditation periods have begun to take some effect. I do not reflect on god, religion, or any being except myself. Spirituality can mean believing in yourself and practicing bending reality through consciousness engineering. Meditation has been mentioned on and on in different books, videos, and talks with different people. It is the only lead I have so I am trying to improve on it.
In my career, it is extremely easy to become complacent, stagnant, and overconfident. It is extremely hard to move up the ladder because of the time frame it takes to have vacancies on the upper levels. I can really see myself moving up to the next level within the next 3 years, and I feel lucky to have had an opportunity to get ahead of the power curve in my career and try to buff up my resume with achievements and education that will serve me in the next level. This year will be a crucial year in order to secure my future, and I am faced with a few circumstances that can make this year one of the best in terms of evaluations, peer-to-peer, and networking.
As part of my creative roles, I have started reading and writing more this year. I had completely forgotten about this outlet, old and forgotten, where I used to pour in my thoughts when I needed to. I kept this not to remember what I felt, or wrote down in the past; not to reminisce, but to reinforce my strengths and record the successes that I've had in my life. I enjoy writing my thoughts more than I do reading them, but years from now, when I need to upgrade some of my systems for a living, this outlet will come in handy.
My family is one of the most important roles. My spouse and kids. My father and mother. My brother and sister. My grandparents are reaching the end of their life. They all have an important influence on my life. I would like to spend more time with my grandparents before they pass away. I want to learn from their experiences and have meaningful conversations before they depart this earth, and I am left without their knowledge. This could be my one regret in life.
I couldn't give a shit about my community. I do not like people in general, especially people who I do not like. But I do realize that giving to the community does not necessarily mean your neighbors. A community of people that are like you, like-minded individuals, who share interests. In the military, that would be your soldiers, brothers, and comrades. That is my community, and I do believe I can give back to this community.
Tuesday, November 14, 2017
I am grateful
Today I am grateful to have you by my figurative side. Our distance is only as far as our internet speed, and time zones. Today I am grateful that I have you to thank for my happiness, and further grateful for your loyalty. I am yours through the distance of continents.
Today I love that I pushed myself hard on this morning's run. I surprised myself in time, and think I can do better. I additionally love that I actually woke up early, and it only took 5 alarms. Lastly, I love that I created a team that sticks with me, pushing each other through the events and that they enjoy being part of my team.
Today I love that I pushed myself hard on this morning's run. I surprised myself in time, and think I can do better. I additionally love that I actually woke up early, and it only took 5 alarms. Lastly, I love that I created a team that sticks with me, pushing each other through the events and that they enjoy being part of my team.
Wednesday, April 9, 2014
On Irrelevance
Today I realized that there is a threshold that exists in a relationship. This threshold varies from couple to couple but is reached at different levels during the growth. The threshold, or process of Irrelevance, is guided by complacency.
During the first months, everything is interesting about the other person. How they look, what they think, what they did. You want to hear about every single detail in attentiveness, and the other is anxious to share. When you do not see each other for a while, you just can't wait to tell the other person what has happened. In the same way, you can't wait to hear what has been going on. In good relationships this is constant. Even after years, there are always things to discuss in interesting conversations.
As time goes by, this degrades by steps in a process I call the process of irrelevance
The first step is "Daydreaming"; the shortening of time spent listening to the other person's topics. The partner day reams in and out, but can maintain attention long enough to nod and feedback to the other that listening is happening. The partner notices, and inquires "Are you listening?" but the other person can still recall what was said, and can normally recite the last couple of phrases or main ideas.
The second step is "Interruption". When a person is sharing his interests and the partner's daydream goes overboard they blurt out or say something totally off point to the conversation. Their mind wanders into something that it is interested in because they are genuinely not interested in the conversation. This happens without the knowledge until someone brings it up.
The third step is "IDGAF"; just plain out not caring what is said. The partner discusses subjects and the other simply does not have enough interest to even try to listen. It just ends with "OK" or "I don't know anything about that". Without interest following the conversation. It basically just stops there.
The last step in the process is "Recession"; not talking to your partner about your own things. Not only do you lose interest in their interests, but also one does not even care to share. Everything becomes irrelevant. Impertinent. Insignificant.
The whole process is fueled by complacency. What once was a great thing, filled with interesting conversations on both sides, now is a one-sided conversation, filled with thoughts of just one person. The other seizes to be interesting and the partner looks for someone to listen to them. That is when a different destructive process starts.
During the first months, everything is interesting about the other person. How they look, what they think, what they did. You want to hear about every single detail in attentiveness, and the other is anxious to share. When you do not see each other for a while, you just can't wait to tell the other person what has happened. In the same way, you can't wait to hear what has been going on. In good relationships this is constant. Even after years, there are always things to discuss in interesting conversations.
As time goes by, this degrades by steps in a process I call the process of irrelevance
The first step is "Daydreaming"; the shortening of time spent listening to the other person's topics. The partner day reams in and out, but can maintain attention long enough to nod and feedback to the other that listening is happening. The partner notices, and inquires "Are you listening?" but the other person can still recall what was said, and can normally recite the last couple of phrases or main ideas.
The second step is "Interruption". When a person is sharing his interests and the partner's daydream goes overboard they blurt out or say something totally off point to the conversation. Their mind wanders into something that it is interested in because they are genuinely not interested in the conversation. This happens without the knowledge until someone brings it up.
The third step is "IDGAF"; just plain out not caring what is said. The partner discusses subjects and the other simply does not have enough interest to even try to listen. It just ends with "OK" or "I don't know anything about that". Without interest following the conversation. It basically just stops there.
The last step in the process is "Recession"; not talking to your partner about your own things. Not only do you lose interest in their interests, but also one does not even care to share. Everything becomes irrelevant. Impertinent. Insignificant.
The whole process is fueled by complacency. What once was a great thing, filled with interesting conversations on both sides, now is a one-sided conversation, filled with thoughts of just one person. The other seizes to be interesting and the partner looks for someone to listen to them. That is when a different destructive process starts.
Thursday, September 19, 2013
On Standards
Who should have standards? What are standards? Where are standards applied? When are they necessary? Why do we need standards? How do we enforce standards?
All these questions, I ask myself whenever I run into a wall. When I feel that maybe I am imposing too much on you. Everyone should have standards. Every single person, kids, adults, males, females, moms, dads, bosses, employees, instructors, students, business owners, customers.
Standards are how we measure things, activities, events, behaviors, feelings, etc. It is the lower acceptable measurement of something that you are willing to take. For mothers, it is how much they are willing to let their kids get away with it. It is how little they are willing to receive for their services. what quality of work you will accept from your employees, and the minimum score before you fail a test.
Standards are applied in everything and are dependent on many variables. At work, school, and even in your personal life. If you have never thought about it, look at your hair, and tell me how long it took to get it how you wanted it this morning. How many times did you have to redo it until it was acceptable? Depending on where you were going, it may have been 5 min to 1 hour. The minimum amount of critique you are willing to accept from the people at your destination.
We need standards every day. Even if you do not think about it, or worry about it, but they keep you alive, how bad of food are you willing to eat? How much traffic are you willing to cross?
This is how we define the quality of life we want. If by now, you do not know what standards you have, then you are very low on the scale. Think about the quality of life you have, once had, and want. What type of standards did you have or need? Well. It depends on where you want to go and with whom.
Standards have to be consistent. They have to define who you are and what you want. It is in your character, in your goals, in your life, and in every decision you make. What is the least you are willing to accept for. In some cases, you have to make decisions on your time, the most valuable resource and currency. How little are you willing to trade for your time? If you inconsistently enforce standards, you are showing weak character. If you are standards are low, you are wasting your time, and setting yourself up for failure. It is like shopping at the dollar store. You get what you pay for.
Why should I lower my standards for you? If my requirements for my quality of life require a certain standard, why should I lower it, just because you do not see it for yourself? The only reason why I am with you is because I have high standards, and now you want me to lower them?
I do expect things from you, and big things, because you are capable, and you are wasting your time when you do not apply the same level of standardization on small events, that will accumulate into a better quality of life.
All these questions, I ask myself whenever I run into a wall. When I feel that maybe I am imposing too much on you. Everyone should have standards. Every single person, kids, adults, males, females, moms, dads, bosses, employees, instructors, students, business owners, customers.
Standards are how we measure things, activities, events, behaviors, feelings, etc. It is the lower acceptable measurement of something that you are willing to take. For mothers, it is how much they are willing to let their kids get away with it. It is how little they are willing to receive for their services. what quality of work you will accept from your employees, and the minimum score before you fail a test.
Standards are applied in everything and are dependent on many variables. At work, school, and even in your personal life. If you have never thought about it, look at your hair, and tell me how long it took to get it how you wanted it this morning. How many times did you have to redo it until it was acceptable? Depending on where you were going, it may have been 5 min to 1 hour. The minimum amount of critique you are willing to accept from the people at your destination.
We need standards every day. Even if you do not think about it, or worry about it, but they keep you alive, how bad of food are you willing to eat? How much traffic are you willing to cross?
This is how we define the quality of life we want. If by now, you do not know what standards you have, then you are very low on the scale. Think about the quality of life you have, once had, and want. What type of standards did you have or need? Well. It depends on where you want to go and with whom.
Standards have to be consistent. They have to define who you are and what you want. It is in your character, in your goals, in your life, and in every decision you make. What is the least you are willing to accept for. In some cases, you have to make decisions on your time, the most valuable resource and currency. How little are you willing to trade for your time? If you inconsistently enforce standards, you are showing weak character. If you are standards are low, you are wasting your time, and setting yourself up for failure. It is like shopping at the dollar store. You get what you pay for.
Why should I lower my standards for you? If my requirements for my quality of life require a certain standard, why should I lower it, just because you do not see it for yourself? The only reason why I am with you is because I have high standards, and now you want me to lower them?
I do expect things from you, and big things, because you are capable, and you are wasting your time when you do not apply the same level of standardization on small events, that will accumulate into a better quality of life.
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