Today I realized that there is a threshold that exists in a relationship. This threshold varies from couple to couple but is reached at different levels during the growth. The threshold, or process of Irrelevance, is guided by complacency.
During the first months, everything is interesting about the other person. How they look, what they think, what they did. You want to hear about every single detail in attentiveness, and the other is anxious to share. When you do not see each other for a while, you just can't wait to tell the other person what has happened. In the same way, you can't wait to hear what has been going on. In good relationships this is constant. Even after years, there are always things to discuss in interesting conversations.
As time goes by, this degrades by steps in a process I call the process of irrelevance
The first step is "Daydreaming"; the shortening of time spent listening to the other person's topics. The partner day reams in and out, but can maintain attention long enough to nod and feedback to the other that listening is happening. The partner notices, and inquires "Are you listening?" but the other person can still recall what was said, and can normally recite the last couple of phrases or main ideas.
The second step is "Interruption". When a person is sharing his interests and the partner's daydream goes overboard they blurt out or say something totally off point to the conversation. Their mind wanders into something that it is interested in because they are genuinely not interested in the conversation. This happens without the knowledge until someone brings it up.
The third step is "IDGAF"; just plain out not caring what is said. The partner discusses subjects and the other simply does not have enough interest to even try to listen. It just ends with "OK" or "I don't know anything about that". Without interest following the conversation. It basically just stops there.
The last step in the process is "Recession"; not talking to your partner about your own things. Not only do you lose interest in their interests, but also one does not even care to share. Everything becomes irrelevant. Impertinent. Insignificant.
The whole process is fueled by complacency. What once was a great thing, filled with interesting conversations on both sides, now is a one-sided conversation, filled with thoughts of just one person. The other seizes to be interesting and the partner looks for someone to listen to them. That is when a different destructive process starts.
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Wednesday, April 9, 2014
Thursday, September 19, 2013
On Standards
Who should have standards? What are standards? Where are standards applied? When are they necessary? Why do we need standards? How do we enforce standards?
All these questions, I ask myself whenever I run into a wall. When I feel that maybe I am imposing too much on you. Everyone should have standards. Every single person, kids, adults, males, females, moms, dads, bosses, employees, instructors, students, business owners, customers.
Standards are how we measure things, activities, events, behaviors, feelings, etc. It is the lower acceptable measurement of something that you are willing to take. For mothers, it is how much they are willing to let their kids get away with it. It is how little they are willing to receive for their services. what quality of work you will accept from your employees, and the minimum score before you fail a test.
Standards are applied in everything and are dependent on many variables. At work, school, and even in your personal life. If you have never thought about it, look at your hair, and tell me how long it took to get it how you wanted it this morning. How many times did you have to redo it until it was acceptable? Depending on where you were going, it may have been 5 min to 1 hour. The minimum amount of critique you are willing to accept from the people at your destination.
We need standards every day. Even if you do not think about it, or worry about it, but they keep you alive, how bad of food are you willing to eat? How much traffic are you willing to cross?
This is how we define the quality of life we want. If by now, you do not know what standards you have, then you are very low on the scale. Think about the quality of life you have, once had, and want. What type of standards did you have or need? Well. It depends on where you want to go and with whom.
Standards have to be consistent. They have to define who you are and what you want. It is in your character, in your goals, in your life, and in every decision you make. What is the least you are willing to accept for. In some cases, you have to make decisions on your time, the most valuable resource and currency. How little are you willing to trade for your time? If you inconsistently enforce standards, you are showing weak character. If you are standards are low, you are wasting your time, and setting yourself up for failure. It is like shopping at the dollar store. You get what you pay for.
Why should I lower my standards for you? If my requirements for my quality of life require a certain standard, why should I lower it, just because you do not see it for yourself? The only reason why I am with you is because I have high standards, and now you want me to lower them?
I do expect things from you, and big things, because you are capable, and you are wasting your time when you do not apply the same level of standardization on small events, that will accumulate into a better quality of life.
All these questions, I ask myself whenever I run into a wall. When I feel that maybe I am imposing too much on you. Everyone should have standards. Every single person, kids, adults, males, females, moms, dads, bosses, employees, instructors, students, business owners, customers.
Standards are how we measure things, activities, events, behaviors, feelings, etc. It is the lower acceptable measurement of something that you are willing to take. For mothers, it is how much they are willing to let their kids get away with it. It is how little they are willing to receive for their services. what quality of work you will accept from your employees, and the minimum score before you fail a test.
Standards are applied in everything and are dependent on many variables. At work, school, and even in your personal life. If you have never thought about it, look at your hair, and tell me how long it took to get it how you wanted it this morning. How many times did you have to redo it until it was acceptable? Depending on where you were going, it may have been 5 min to 1 hour. The minimum amount of critique you are willing to accept from the people at your destination.
We need standards every day. Even if you do not think about it, or worry about it, but they keep you alive, how bad of food are you willing to eat? How much traffic are you willing to cross?
This is how we define the quality of life we want. If by now, you do not know what standards you have, then you are very low on the scale. Think about the quality of life you have, once had, and want. What type of standards did you have or need? Well. It depends on where you want to go and with whom.
Standards have to be consistent. They have to define who you are and what you want. It is in your character, in your goals, in your life, and in every decision you make. What is the least you are willing to accept for. In some cases, you have to make decisions on your time, the most valuable resource and currency. How little are you willing to trade for your time? If you inconsistently enforce standards, you are showing weak character. If you are standards are low, you are wasting your time, and setting yourself up for failure. It is like shopping at the dollar store. You get what you pay for.
Why should I lower my standards for you? If my requirements for my quality of life require a certain standard, why should I lower it, just because you do not see it for yourself? The only reason why I am with you is because I have high standards, and now you want me to lower them?
I do expect things from you, and big things, because you are capable, and you are wasting your time when you do not apply the same level of standardization on small events, that will accumulate into a better quality of life.
Friday, May 31, 2013
On Pressure
Every day we face pressure. From our friends, family co-workers, and worst of all, from ourselves. We pressure ourselves to do things that we really do not need to do. We feel the need to relieve that pressure by either appeasing the pressure maker or ignoring it. Both of these do not work, because it does not fix the root of the problem. Step one is to identify the root of the problem. Step two is to make a plan to fix the root cause of the problem. Step three is to execute and commit to the plan. Step four is to re-evaluate.
If one does not know the root cause of the problem, pressure will overwhelm oneself, since there is no direction, purpose, or motivation. It's like being lost and not caring to find a way out. If one knows the root cause of the problem but does not have a plan, then one is procrastinating the inevitable, either the pressure maker will win every time, and not only is there no purpose, but self-esteem will be affected since the feeling of hopelessness will come about. If one knows the root cause, and has a plan, but does not execute, then that is a sign of weakness. It is a sign of a lack of confidence, non assertiveness. All that is required to execute is the right motivator and a clear view of the purpose and direction one must take. The last step will reinforce the process and make it stronger each time it is repeated.
The only thing it takes is doing it once.
If one does not know the root cause of the problem, pressure will overwhelm oneself, since there is no direction, purpose, or motivation. It's like being lost and not caring to find a way out. If one knows the root cause of the problem but does not have a plan, then one is procrastinating the inevitable, either the pressure maker will win every time, and not only is there no purpose, but self-esteem will be affected since the feeling of hopelessness will come about. If one knows the root cause, and has a plan, but does not execute, then that is a sign of weakness. It is a sign of a lack of confidence, non assertiveness. All that is required to execute is the right motivator and a clear view of the purpose and direction one must take. The last step will reinforce the process and make it stronger each time it is repeated.
The only thing it takes is doing it once.
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