Go
Do your thing
That you call life
Whenever you cannot fall
On your own because you
Are ready to fall apart
Swim through someone else life
Stare down to what you like
Send a message, open your eyes
Leave a piece of the puzzle, for someone else
What happened to my heart
Delayed by pain
And consumed my life
Staring through a tunnel
Everyone watching
except for me
Nobody knows, what I have been
I have feet, and I have seen
I have walked and stood
Swimming in the ashes of my life
with no real reason
to change some things
but I want to
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Budweiser
Hi there.
Have you been there long?
I see
what's it like?
Seeing me
You see,
what I see?
Probably not
Please tell me,
what you think
I drink
not much
couple beers
here and there
maybe a six
eight
ten
twelve
I can't count
when I'm drunk
Help me up
I can't see
where to aim
Dammit
All wet now
Fuck it
It dries out
Aluminum cans,
much better now.
Used to be glass,
fewer injuries now,
happy neighbors too
Can't sleep
you see
caffeine kills sleep,
beer kills caffeine,
endless cycle.
Early wake-up
drink quicker
Damn
need to pass out
good night
lock the door
on your way out
Have you been there long?
I see
what's it like?
Seeing me
You see,
what I see?
Probably not
Please tell me,
what you think
I drink
not much
couple beers
here and there
maybe a six
eight
ten
twelve
I can't count
when I'm drunk
Help me up
I can't see
where to aim
Dammit
All wet now
Fuck it
It dries out
Aluminum cans,
much better now.
Used to be glass,
fewer injuries now,
happy neighbors too
Can't sleep
you see
caffeine kills sleep,
beer kills caffeine,
endless cycle.
Early wake-up
drink quicker
Damn
need to pass out
good night
lock the door
on your way out
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
On today...
One thing I can say that I did not miss all day was you. I can not believe how you still attempt to get under my skin. Maybe this has worked for you before, but no more. Now, I do not care about your tactics, and in the end, that's all you ended with. I hope you find someone like you, so you can truly mirror actions, emotions, and reactions. That way, you can see what you did to me. Pride may not let you admit it though. Pride will eat you alive because to you it is more important than your potential family. Sorry to say I have you to not thank for keeping this family together. I am happy to say that I do not miss you anymore nor think that I will ever feel the same way about you.
You took away everything that I loved and enjoyed. I am no longer a happy man, I see other happy people and think 'What total dumbasses if only they knew love is just an excuse to be weak'. I am no longer motivated. I feel like there is no point in doing things that I enjoy because since half of mine is yours you will take half of my enjoyment and turn that exact half into sour moments and they will fight for the environment we live in constantly, just because you feel like that at the moment.
Do you know why you feel like that? Surely not, since all in your scope is revenge and satisfaction when you hurt someone who (used) to love you. Smile when I raise my voice, 10 points for you. Laugh when I insult, 20 points for you. Act surprised when I speak out of line, I definitely shouldn't have said that. 50 points. And in the end when you start crying and tell me how horrible I treat you, 100 points. You win.
But you still do not know why you started to feel like that. I do. I'll tell you, but you would never believe me. It is because you are so angry at yourself. Your heart tells you to let it go, the anger, the shame, the vengeance, while your Pride talks to you and demands you attack, he's lying, you are trying to compensate and make a dumbass out of me again.
What really happened, was that I said I love you because it was how I felt, and made you a sandwich. What you did afterwards was unthinkable and led fro a chain of events that created a tear in my self-esteem and my emotions.
As 7 years of this continued, there was no fabric of emotions, just raw ingredients to make myself some new ones as I saw fit. Love became anger and regret. Passion became Contempt. Trust became lies and not-give-a-fuckness. At this point, I am not the same person, so scared of change, you try to relate to the old me and treat me nicely, kiss me, and do things that were unspeakably corny for you. They did not work, because your actions fucked me up so much that I did not respond how you would have liked.
You are rejected. Something your pride cannot have. Pride comes out and brings wrath. With all your wrath you accuse me that I am not the one putting my part in this relationship. I am a bad person who is cold and does not enjoy your company therefore you do not want to be with me.
I do not want you. I do not know what I am doing with you. You can leave. And you said you will.
I will not be fucked over again by some crazy unstable bitch. We will be separated forever. No turning back.
Oh, wait, what is that? You were kidding? You really did not mean what you said of wanting me out of your life, because I do not raise a finger to help you? You actually want things to work out. I can see the vicious cycle start over again and again as it has been happening for 7 years. I want out. You have decided to win me back until you decide that religion has the answers or proof. Religious beliefs led you to believe that I did many atrocities you had always suspected but gave you no proof. Just what you wanted to hear. The 7 years of proof of love from me were not merely enough to counter the 20-minute session of religious lies with no proof. You want out now as well. Very well. But you want to take what I worked for all my life to achieve in work and sacrifice. I did not have the privilege of spending countless days with my kids, playing and learning with them, seeing them laugh and enjoy. But to you, it is one of my negatives how I spend less time with my kids. Maybe you do not understand because you have not worked or sacrificed anything in your life. So I gave you the ability to live legally in the US, so you can work and help support our family. I worked hard year after year so we could have two vehicles and so you can have the freedom to not work. To go out and spend my money (because you are still not contributing) and a house that may not be the best, but it held the 3 most important people in my life. Yet you think you deserve it because? Maybe you should have gone to Iraq and lived where I lived and done what I done, so I could have blamed you for not being here with the kids on their birthdays. It didn't seem to bother you when you would go out on dates behind my back. And in the end, It is my fault, and as my punishment you take everything that you deserve.
In the end, you do not actually deserve any of that, because even if you did not work, you did not put in half of my required emotional assistance, or any type of support from you. You got very good at excuses as to why you are with me and why you don't want to do anything.
I hope all you learned in these past 7 years will help you fuck your own life up. I dare you to try that on someone else, and you will quickly realize that what I had offered you once was real, but now is dead and you are on your own like you wanted.
I will get over this shit you pulled, and hopefully someone out there has some backbone to admit when they do something wrong, and speak with the truth, even if the truth means it will hurt.
Fuck you for the time you abused me and talked to me like I owed you my life. Fuck you very much.
You took away everything that I loved and enjoyed. I am no longer a happy man, I see other happy people and think 'What total dumbasses if only they knew love is just an excuse to be weak'. I am no longer motivated. I feel like there is no point in doing things that I enjoy because since half of mine is yours you will take half of my enjoyment and turn that exact half into sour moments and they will fight for the environment we live in constantly, just because you feel like that at the moment.
Do you know why you feel like that? Surely not, since all in your scope is revenge and satisfaction when you hurt someone who (used) to love you. Smile when I raise my voice, 10 points for you. Laugh when I insult, 20 points for you. Act surprised when I speak out of line, I definitely shouldn't have said that. 50 points. And in the end when you start crying and tell me how horrible I treat you, 100 points. You win.
But you still do not know why you started to feel like that. I do. I'll tell you, but you would never believe me. It is because you are so angry at yourself. Your heart tells you to let it go, the anger, the shame, the vengeance, while your Pride talks to you and demands you attack, he's lying, you are trying to compensate and make a dumbass out of me again.
What really happened, was that I said I love you because it was how I felt, and made you a sandwich. What you did afterwards was unthinkable and led fro a chain of events that created a tear in my self-esteem and my emotions.
As 7 years of this continued, there was no fabric of emotions, just raw ingredients to make myself some new ones as I saw fit. Love became anger and regret. Passion became Contempt. Trust became lies and not-give-a-fuckness. At this point, I am not the same person, so scared of change, you try to relate to the old me and treat me nicely, kiss me, and do things that were unspeakably corny for you. They did not work, because your actions fucked me up so much that I did not respond how you would have liked.
You are rejected. Something your pride cannot have. Pride comes out and brings wrath. With all your wrath you accuse me that I am not the one putting my part in this relationship. I am a bad person who is cold and does not enjoy your company therefore you do not want to be with me.
I do not want you. I do not know what I am doing with you. You can leave. And you said you will.
I will not be fucked over again by some crazy unstable bitch. We will be separated forever. No turning back.
Oh, wait, what is that? You were kidding? You really did not mean what you said of wanting me out of your life, because I do not raise a finger to help you? You actually want things to work out. I can see the vicious cycle start over again and again as it has been happening for 7 years. I want out. You have decided to win me back until you decide that religion has the answers or proof. Religious beliefs led you to believe that I did many atrocities you had always suspected but gave you no proof. Just what you wanted to hear. The 7 years of proof of love from me were not merely enough to counter the 20-minute session of religious lies with no proof. You want out now as well. Very well. But you want to take what I worked for all my life to achieve in work and sacrifice. I did not have the privilege of spending countless days with my kids, playing and learning with them, seeing them laugh and enjoy. But to you, it is one of my negatives how I spend less time with my kids. Maybe you do not understand because you have not worked or sacrificed anything in your life. So I gave you the ability to live legally in the US, so you can work and help support our family. I worked hard year after year so we could have two vehicles and so you can have the freedom to not work. To go out and spend my money (because you are still not contributing) and a house that may not be the best, but it held the 3 most important people in my life. Yet you think you deserve it because? Maybe you should have gone to Iraq and lived where I lived and done what I done, so I could have blamed you for not being here with the kids on their birthdays. It didn't seem to bother you when you would go out on dates behind my back. And in the end, It is my fault, and as my punishment you take everything that you deserve.
In the end, you do not actually deserve any of that, because even if you did not work, you did not put in half of my required emotional assistance, or any type of support from you. You got very good at excuses as to why you are with me and why you don't want to do anything.
I hope all you learned in these past 7 years will help you fuck your own life up. I dare you to try that on someone else, and you will quickly realize that what I had offered you once was real, but now is dead and you are on your own like you wanted.
I will get over this shit you pulled, and hopefully someone out there has some backbone to admit when they do something wrong, and speak with the truth, even if the truth means it will hurt.
Fuck you for the time you abused me and talked to me like I owed you my life. Fuck you very much.
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