My memories of you are harsh. Always yelling and being upset. You were the bad guy in my story, regardless of what the issue was. My bias was due to the manipulation and programming of years and years of resentment. I didn't see, hear or feel you. I didn't care, sympathize with, or respect you. I have one memory of you hitting me. The thing with memories is that they get recorded at the time they happened, without care of retrospect. Meaning, that I remember the images and sounds, and feelings, within the context in which they happened, not of what I understand now. When I remember you, it is not you of today, therefore the memory seems invalid, as if it didn't happen like that. I cannot change how it was recorded, feelings and all.
It wasn't until the incident that changed my life, that I realized that you were always there for me, caring and helping from afar. Your kindness was overshadowed by other feelings and manipulation. We didn't bond in the beginning because I didn't know you. I never got a chance to know you, but when I opened up, we became friends because I could understand you. I saw you for who you really are.
You were young, forced into a situation where you didn't know that you wanted to be in. Forced by bullshit rules, customs, and traditions. You tried to make your life work with flawed frameworks and methods that you mimicked from your childhood. It was not your fault, but you tried to fix it. In the end, there was no fix. But all was not lost, because it gave us the opportunity to bond and become closer than ever. You left all childish feelings aside and focused on giving me the guidance and advice I needed. You grew up. You were my age when this happened. You were not there because you didn't know you had to, but you were there when I needed you. For your misguided, stupid, and childish actions, that you have paid for and learned from, I learned and learned.
I forgive you.
Wednesday, November 29, 2017
Monday, November 27, 2017
The Last Pillar
In all my life, you were the biggest disappointment. You were my biggest fall. At the point where I only had one pillar left, the truth set me free, and your pillar came down fast and hard. I was free falling into the lowest point with nothing more than raw emotion and a will to survive, fed by every single negative emotion available, built a new stronger platform, and rose to new heights. Anger, fear, disgust, contempt, rage, hate, abhorrence. This shook me to the point of reconsidering everything I knew to be true questioning my life entirely. I clearly remember my gullible, naive, and innocent mind taking in the crude reality.
Knowledge is not power. Secrets are a weapon. You had the power over me. A veil of truth, lifted, revealing the true nature of your actions and life. My fragile mind went into shock, crashed, and rebooted like a computer, erasing years of data I believed to be true. For years I lived in my hatred, letting it fuel my actions and shape my life. I learned to motivate and build using one set of emotions. It was effective and efficient; the kind of experience that shapes your future, pushing through and muscling my way into what I am today.
What I learned was that any emotion can be used to drive your actions; hate is just so much more effective, but in the long run, and out of context, it becomes self-destructive. I discovered that you actually helped me rebuild my life and reshape my systems to be strong and unshakable. My foundation was taking form and I had to fill it with other emotions for me to utilize my framework to its fullest.
I now thank you, for I understand your actions and motivations. You followed your instincts regardless of who was in the way. I respect that. You broke the mold and for once, was selfish, took care of yourself and your needs. I understand that. You gave me the opportunity to create my own life and break out of my mold. I thank you for that. You were my age now when this happened. You had the courage to reshape your future before or was too late. I admire that.
Thank you for being selfish. I forgive you.
Knowledge is not power. Secrets are a weapon. You had the power over me. A veil of truth, lifted, revealing the true nature of your actions and life. My fragile mind went into shock, crashed, and rebooted like a computer, erasing years of data I believed to be true. For years I lived in my hatred, letting it fuel my actions and shape my life. I learned to motivate and build using one set of emotions. It was effective and efficient; the kind of experience that shapes your future, pushing through and muscling my way into what I am today.
What I learned was that any emotion can be used to drive your actions; hate is just so much more effective, but in the long run, and out of context, it becomes self-destructive. I discovered that you actually helped me rebuild my life and reshape my systems to be strong and unshakable. My foundation was taking form and I had to fill it with other emotions for me to utilize my framework to its fullest.
I now thank you, for I understand your actions and motivations. You followed your instincts regardless of who was in the way. I respect that. You broke the mold and for once, was selfish, took care of yourself and your needs. I understand that. You gave me the opportunity to create my own life and break out of my mold. I thank you for that. You were my age now when this happened. You had the courage to reshape your future before or was too late. I admire that.
Thank you for being selfish. I forgive you.
Tuesday, November 21, 2017
12 Areas of Balance
I expect my love relationship to be something mutual. Independent, of financials and superficial issues, such as those that social media create. I expect for the love relationship to be based on communication, and not trust; for the relationship to grow on facts, not assumptions. I believe I deserve to be met with the same or more expectations, and taken seriously when I propose and enforce those expectations. I have a very solid view of myself therefore I cannot be fooled to believe I am something I'm not. I value myself very highly, and will not devalue myself based on my relationship.
I define friendship, as the ability to pick up a conversation, even after months of separation. Friendship is something that comes along very rarely, in pure form. There are acquaintances, coworkers, and people you hang out with, but true friends are scarce. True friends will always give you the truth in the advice, and possibly hurt you, in order to help you see the bigger picture. They will stand by you even though you mess up, and will be there to pick you up and say I told you so you fucking idiot.
Adventures are life's way of escaping reality. The harsh reality is that you are leading a boring and unsatisfying life. Because we are taught at an early age to conform to the norm, leaving on an adventure without having a cause, at least in my culture, is seen as weird. I love the adventure of trying new and exciting things; once-in-a-lifetime opportunities that you may not want to do again, but will have the experience of doing them. These things may be scary and overwhelming but are worth overcoming.
I am happiest at home, with my spouse and kids. I am content with my lifestyle for the most part, but there are some aspects of my environment that I wish to change slightly, to modify my lifestyle in order to upgrade my fighting positions, per se. I do not have many friends, but I do like to surround myself with people who motivate me to do better and challenge me to make changes that I would not otherwise do on my own.
My physical health is not bad, as I have the privilege of working on this every day in my current situation. This would be something to work on during my normal environment, but I am placed in a different environment for the time being. I believe that I can be, and at a previous age, in a better physical shape. For the time I a lot, I am doing very well with my physical fitness, but I can push my body harder. I follow a loose diet but stay away from unhealthy food overall. My biggest contenders are sugars, caffeine, and nicotine. For my age, I know people are worse off, but at the same time, I am not that old, and know people who are older and in better shape than me, leaving me wanting to push further.
Intellectually, I much rather finish reading some books I started than watch Netflix or a movie. It is the psychological factor of instant gratification that I have to fight often when I want to read. Overcoming this is mainly a discipline function, and removing the opportunity for idling time. There are a total of about 12 books that I have lined up, and with each day that passes that I do not read, I feel that I am losing more and more interest; an illusion playing with me, to leave reading altogether.
I am currently working on some skills or hobbies, allotting an hour or so a day to these hobbies to hone in my skills that will come in handy later, as ME time will become more available. Some of these hobbies tie into fitness and intellectual roles. The trick on this one, is making time for each one of them.
I lack spirituality, but since the meditation periods have begun to take some effect. I do not reflect on god, religion, or any being except myself. Spirituality can mean believing in yourself and practicing bending reality through consciousness engineering. Meditation has been mentioned on and on in different books, videos, and talks with different people. It is the only lead I have so I am trying to improve on it.
In my career, it is extremely easy to become complacent, stagnant, and overconfident. It is extremely hard to move up the ladder because of the time frame it takes to have vacancies on the upper levels. I can really see myself moving up to the next level within the next 3 years, and I feel lucky to have had an opportunity to get ahead of the power curve in my career and try to buff up my resume with achievements and education that will serve me in the next level. This year will be a crucial year in order to secure my future, and I am faced with a few circumstances that can make this year one of the best in terms of evaluations, peer-to-peer, and networking.
As part of my creative roles, I have started reading and writing more this year. I had completely forgotten about this outlet, old and forgotten, where I used to pour in my thoughts when I needed to. I kept this not to remember what I felt, or wrote down in the past; not to reminisce, but to reinforce my strengths and record the successes that I've had in my life. I enjoy writing my thoughts more than I do reading them, but years from now, when I need to upgrade some of my systems for a living, this outlet will come in handy.
My family is one of the most important roles. My spouse and kids. My father and mother. My brother and sister. My grandparents are reaching the end of their life. They all have an important influence on my life. I would like to spend more time with my grandparents before they pass away. I want to learn from their experiences and have meaningful conversations before they depart this earth, and I am left without their knowledge. This could be my one regret in life.
I couldn't give a shit about my community. I do not like people in general, especially people who I do not like. But I do realize that giving to the community does not necessarily mean your neighbors. A community of people that are like you, like-minded individuals, who share interests. In the military, that would be your soldiers, brothers, and comrades. That is my community, and I do believe I can give back to this community.
I define friendship, as the ability to pick up a conversation, even after months of separation. Friendship is something that comes along very rarely, in pure form. There are acquaintances, coworkers, and people you hang out with, but true friends are scarce. True friends will always give you the truth in the advice, and possibly hurt you, in order to help you see the bigger picture. They will stand by you even though you mess up, and will be there to pick you up and say I told you so you fucking idiot.
Adventures are life's way of escaping reality. The harsh reality is that you are leading a boring and unsatisfying life. Because we are taught at an early age to conform to the norm, leaving on an adventure without having a cause, at least in my culture, is seen as weird. I love the adventure of trying new and exciting things; once-in-a-lifetime opportunities that you may not want to do again, but will have the experience of doing them. These things may be scary and overwhelming but are worth overcoming.
I am happiest at home, with my spouse and kids. I am content with my lifestyle for the most part, but there are some aspects of my environment that I wish to change slightly, to modify my lifestyle in order to upgrade my fighting positions, per se. I do not have many friends, but I do like to surround myself with people who motivate me to do better and challenge me to make changes that I would not otherwise do on my own.
My physical health is not bad, as I have the privilege of working on this every day in my current situation. This would be something to work on during my normal environment, but I am placed in a different environment for the time being. I believe that I can be, and at a previous age, in a better physical shape. For the time I a lot, I am doing very well with my physical fitness, but I can push my body harder. I follow a loose diet but stay away from unhealthy food overall. My biggest contenders are sugars, caffeine, and nicotine. For my age, I know people are worse off, but at the same time, I am not that old, and know people who are older and in better shape than me, leaving me wanting to push further.
Intellectually, I much rather finish reading some books I started than watch Netflix or a movie. It is the psychological factor of instant gratification that I have to fight often when I want to read. Overcoming this is mainly a discipline function, and removing the opportunity for idling time. There are a total of about 12 books that I have lined up, and with each day that passes that I do not read, I feel that I am losing more and more interest; an illusion playing with me, to leave reading altogether.
I am currently working on some skills or hobbies, allotting an hour or so a day to these hobbies to hone in my skills that will come in handy later, as ME time will become more available. Some of these hobbies tie into fitness and intellectual roles. The trick on this one, is making time for each one of them.
I lack spirituality, but since the meditation periods have begun to take some effect. I do not reflect on god, religion, or any being except myself. Spirituality can mean believing in yourself and practicing bending reality through consciousness engineering. Meditation has been mentioned on and on in different books, videos, and talks with different people. It is the only lead I have so I am trying to improve on it.
In my career, it is extremely easy to become complacent, stagnant, and overconfident. It is extremely hard to move up the ladder because of the time frame it takes to have vacancies on the upper levels. I can really see myself moving up to the next level within the next 3 years, and I feel lucky to have had an opportunity to get ahead of the power curve in my career and try to buff up my resume with achievements and education that will serve me in the next level. This year will be a crucial year in order to secure my future, and I am faced with a few circumstances that can make this year one of the best in terms of evaluations, peer-to-peer, and networking.
As part of my creative roles, I have started reading and writing more this year. I had completely forgotten about this outlet, old and forgotten, where I used to pour in my thoughts when I needed to. I kept this not to remember what I felt, or wrote down in the past; not to reminisce, but to reinforce my strengths and record the successes that I've had in my life. I enjoy writing my thoughts more than I do reading them, but years from now, when I need to upgrade some of my systems for a living, this outlet will come in handy.
My family is one of the most important roles. My spouse and kids. My father and mother. My brother and sister. My grandparents are reaching the end of their life. They all have an important influence on my life. I would like to spend more time with my grandparents before they pass away. I want to learn from their experiences and have meaningful conversations before they depart this earth, and I am left without their knowledge. This could be my one regret in life.
I couldn't give a shit about my community. I do not like people in general, especially people who I do not like. But I do realize that giving to the community does not necessarily mean your neighbors. A community of people that are like you, like-minded individuals, who share interests. In the military, that would be your soldiers, brothers, and comrades. That is my community, and I do believe I can give back to this community.
Tuesday, November 14, 2017
I am grateful
Today I am grateful to have you by my figurative side. Our distance is only as far as our internet speed, and time zones. Today I am grateful that I have you to thank for my happiness, and further grateful for your loyalty. I am yours through the distance of continents.
Today I love that I pushed myself hard on this morning's run. I surprised myself in time, and think I can do better. I additionally love that I actually woke up early, and it only took 5 alarms. Lastly, I love that I created a team that sticks with me, pushing each other through the events and that they enjoy being part of my team.
Today I love that I pushed myself hard on this morning's run. I surprised myself in time, and think I can do better. I additionally love that I actually woke up early, and it only took 5 alarms. Lastly, I love that I created a team that sticks with me, pushing each other through the events and that they enjoy being part of my team.
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